Despite being extremely lucky not to be directly affected by loss during the pandemic, I have noticed a vague, but persistent, feeling of unease. Aside from lockdowns and restrictions on social freedom, there are many who, like me, did not “lose” something tangible. Yet still I feel that there has been no sense of closure as we emerge into life with a virus that can now be considered endemic, rather than pandemic.
I recently started exploring the work of Pauline Boss, PhD, author of The Myth of Closure: Ambiguous Loss in a Time of Pandemic and Change. Boss has investigated the impact that the lack of closure has on our ability to cope, grieve, and move on with life post-pandemic.
What is Ambiguous Loss?
A professor emeritus in the family and social science department at the University of Minnesota, Boss coined the term ambiguous loss in the 1970s.
Ambiguous loss occurs when closure is needed or sought, without it truly being possible to close the door on the painful event. This may occur when not enough information is known to enter a typical grieving process, or when there has been a partial loss in some way. As examples, Boss has worked with families of those physically missing after 9/11, and those psychologically missing as a result of dementia or brain injuries.
Ambiguous loss has also been applied to unresolved losses including personal and global loss, divorce, climate change, or racial trauma.
However, Boss states that even when loss is straightforward and unambiguous, when we search for closure, we are often looking for the impossible. Even when the death of an elderly relative is expected, calm and peaceful, it might not be healthy to hope that we can compartmentalise, and then shut the door on, that part of our life.
Our Westernised desire to search for ‘closure’ may be unattainable, causing more harm than good. Instead, it may be beneficial to search for positive ways to live with loss and grief.
Ambiguous Loss and the Pandemic
For many of us, coronavirus is an ambiguous enemy. We cannot see it, but all of us have been affected by it in some way. Personal illness or long Covid, the death of friends or relatives, the denial of a traditional funeral, financial insecurity, social isolation, inability to travel, home schooling, anxiety and relationship breakdowns all had a huge impact on children and adults alike.
The development of vaccinations brought a sensation of partial relief to some of us, but the virus is still here and likely always will be. There is no ‘closure’, because Covid continues.
In many cases, we are not truly sure what it is that we have lost. Did we miss incredible opportunities because we could no longer travel? Have our children lost their chance at robust mental health in adulthood as a result of social isolation in childhood? Might there be more lockdowns in future, or another pandemic altogether? We understand far more about the pandemic than this time three years ago, but there are still many unknowns.
How to Cope with Ambiguous Loss
When we think about the pandemic, we cannot say that it is over or that things will go back to how they always were. However, we can embrace ambiguity in the following ways.
- Notice the changes. Life is not the same as it was pre-pandemic, even though we might feel that it ‘should’ be. Working from home has become the norm for many of us, we might be more cautious about meeting friends when we are unwell, and we may be used to talking to others through screens, using hand gel, or wearing a mask at certain times. Paying attention to the new normal helps us to recognise that we, too, have changed.
- Embrace the positives. Not everything that has happened since 2020 has been bad, and positives have also arisen from this period of intense anxiety. The pandemic may have driven us to take better care of our physical health, make time for self-care, change careers, work more flexibly, or prioritise time with our families over work. In embracing our new selves, feelings of ambiguous loss can be managed.
- Stop searching for closure. Recognising that you may not be able to shut the door can help you manage ambiguous loss. Following the death of a relative, the bond will still be there, but you may remember your relationship through photographs, using old recipes, or playing their favourite music. A transformation will take place from which you will emerge changed.
Final Thoughts
Understanding ambiguous loss can help us recognise that living through a pandemic may have created feelings of loss, even when the loss is not clear. Recognising that Westernised expectations of closure may be unrealistic can help us cope with ambiguous loss, and we instead need to consider how we accept vague or unclear losses. Using ambiguity as a driver for change, we can move forwards while managing feelings of emptiness or unease.
The Myth of Closure: Ambiguous Loss in a Time of Pandemic and Change by Dr Pauline Boss is available here.
A masterfully written article. Thank you. I enjoyed and learned from your article.